Finding The Right Dress

If you have a 16-year-old girl, then you know how difficult it is to find the right outfit for a special occasion. Whether it be the prom or homecoming, a wedding, a funeral, no matter--it's just not that easy to outfit a descriminating child with the perfect frock.

But it can be done.

And before you set out on said adventure, I suggest that you have two glasses of wine or at least a few shots of tequila and visit the lady's room twice before you leave. Once you have taken the proper amount of sedatives, you are ready for the mall and it is probably ready for you.

Remember, do NOT shop for said frock in advance. You must leave this to the last moment, say, about 3 hours before you need it. That way, your teenager will be forced to settle for something she really doesn't want, but desperation is the mother of invention and you will save yourself hours of shopping if you cram this into a totally unreasonable time frame. Or leave that to your daughter because she loves to perform under pressure.

Remember to ask the child to tell you what she really wants. That way, she can lead you to every fricking store in the mall and try on at least 50 things she really doesn't want, but that might work. Do not discourage this child from trying on everything in sight because you want to wear her out early so she will settle on something reasonable. And you will leave that store to the last.

Make sure that you open the dressing room door in every store and peek in. This is sure to really piss her off and the more pissed off she is, the faster she'll want to get out of the mall which means you will get to the designated store (where she will buy what you want her to buy) before the mall closes.

Remember that there is a pot of gold at the end of this rainbow. It's called the bar. As you are walking from store to store and your feet are starting to burn, think Merlot. Chardonnay. And if this is becoming an especially long venture, think calamari and salad. Crab legs. After all, you will deserve these when you are done.

It is said that saints are born in malls and after 3 hours in yours, you will have passed the Mother Theresa test of patience and there will be someone waiting at the door to hand you a halo. Wear it proudly. You have survived 16 pairs of pants, 23 blouses, 5 jackets, 13 pairs of shoes, 4 pairs of gaucho pants, 6 dresses, and 4 sweaters that don't work. Only someone with the patience of a saint can sit through that many changes while she watches her loved one tie up her Converse sneakers one more time.

And, relax. It's really not that hard to keep your mouth shut. Imagine duct tape, the invisible kind, plastered across your lips. When your child says, "What do you think of this, Mom?", you can answer, "Murfffff," and nod your head yes. After all, she really doesn't want your opinion. She only wants you to bolster her ego and you can do that without saying a word. A lilt of the eyes, a head going up and down. A smile. They all work. Just don't open your mouth and express an opinion because, as you know, that will bring venom of the worst kind from her pretty little lips.

The most important thing to remember before embarking on this trip is that you love your child. Your mantra will be "I can do this. I love her. There is booze at the end of this road. Anything is possible if you believe it will end." I know, it's a long mantra, but you will need it to cover every aspect of your trip.

And enjoy because one day she will grow up and leave you. She'll probably take a credit card when she goes or half your linens. She'll probably clean out everything in her room but this is good. This is what you have been waiting for. You need that room and this trip to the mall is but one way to push your agenda forward.

They all eventually leave. If you change the locks, they can't come back. And you will miss them. So, do your motherly duty. Keep your mouth shut. Take her shopping. And remember the merlot at the end of the trail. It will make it oh, so worthwhile.