Why I Will Never Grow Old

All this about writing and editing aside, and really, I do have to put it aside quite regularly because it makes me nuts. I mean there is no business like publishing to give you an anxiety disorder. So, onto another subject...and perhaps some better sentence structure...

And the topic today is OLD AGE.

You know you've reached the apex of your years when you receive a mailing from the AARP. Now don't get me wrong. I find nothing wrong with old folks. Middle aged people. Old farts, and dirty old men. I believe in live and let live. But why, oh, why, would I want to get old?

We all know that life revolves around being young and photogenic. The photgenic thing is important because you never know when you may have to use your beauty or good looks to manipulate your circumstances or some person in particular in order to fulfil your will.

The young get the good jobs. Good dates. They get whistled at and pat on the butt. They make more money, get into clubs faster, smile their way out of tickets, and get the best clothes. Makeup is made for them because they don't have forty-seven lines running criss cross on their face. They look eternally young, beautiful, handsome, and alive.

And the old, what do they get? Cholesterol tests. Blood sugar monitoring. A hip replacement. A bad back. Gray hair. NO hair. The bills. A sagging butt. Crows feet. An appointment with the cardiologist.

Is this fair? No, it is not. There is seriously something wrong with this picture. And this is why when I receive my invitation to join AARP that I am immediately calling their headquarters and insisting that they take me off their mailing list because I am convinced that we age exponentially in the ratio to which we receive offers for senior's discounts. You know what I mean.

Only you can end this. But I digress.

The whole freaking pharmaceutical industry is built upon old age. Think about it. Who will they market to if all the old farts die? Do the 20 something's want Viagra. Cialis? That funny pill for a leaky bladder? What about the one for Alzheimer's Disease? You know we're not getting that in our thirties and forties.

But it goes on. Think of the medical supply places. You know, oxygen and diapers. Then think about all the medical clinics around this country. They thrive on old age. Heck, you could get rich treating old farts.

And then there's the stock market. Remember when all the old folks took their money out of their savings accounts and got into the market? Oh, that was a very smart ploy to get their money.

But I'm getting off track.

Thing is, old age is an industry. But do you hear people shouting about the diapers in landfills from old people? No, blame it on the babies, that's what they do. Old age is sacred. Only in that the older folks have all the dough so we have to find ways to separate them from their money.

So, the key is to get money without getting old. Getting rich young is a good idea.