ADVENTURES IN VIAGRA

Meet my husband...Mr. Upgrade. He has brought me such doozies as let me fix the oven so we can pay another $500 to repair my mistakes to oh, I'm sorry I took out the garage door, I wasn't really trying to, to your two year old is running across the roof because I forget to lock the gate before I went up there to sweep off the needles to please don't get near me when I have this hammer because I'm liable to hit you or anything that looks hostile.

To know him is to love him. He can't help himself. He works in the housing industry, that wonderful place where all new homes are clean and white. And after years of saturation, the industry has taken its toll on the poor man.

In our twenty some years of marriage we have renovated more homes than Bob Vila. We lived in a condo which we redid. Well, at least the kitchen. We changed the carpet and put in some panelling. And our next house was a real blast. That included new carpet and paint, new windows, wood floors, roof, appliances, kitchen remodel, more paint, paint for the outside of the house, and new French doors.

The next house was only 8 years old, but it needed wallpaper, carpet, paint, wood floors, paint, new blinds, paint, more new carpet, and more wood floors. Was that enough to slow the man down? No. It wasn't.

The next house (are you starting to see a pattern here?) was in need of major stuff. Let's start with the roof, then the septic system, the floors, the windows, the doors, add a total kitchen remodel, a total master bath remodel, a kids' bath remodel and new WHITE molding. Add wood floors, laminates, carpet, paint, more paint, counter tops, more paint on cupboards, did I say new windows and the septic system? New blinds, new heaters, a whole new fireplace insert, in gas of course. A gas stove in the family room. A dog. The dog wasn't a remodel, just an addition. Three bedroom fans, a family room fan, and did I mention flourescent bulbs throughout the house. More carpet, tile backsplash, new laminate and wallpaper in the family room bath. Did I mention wallpaper in the kids' bath?

Now, why am I telling you all this? Because it's a sickness. Any man who needs white doors and white molding is sick. Did I mention white windows? See what I mean?

So, in all fairness, I am auctioning him off to the highest bidder. He can fix anything in your house if you give him enough money. He knows a variety of contractors. They all owe him favors. Most of them work cheap. Some of them don't show up. Many of them are half-wits. But, they are in his rolodex.

Now, I am willing to let him go cheap if you promise me that you will pay me back for all those remodels so that I may retire without him to the island of Tahiti.

If you want to make a bid, please send an email to AFeistyWriter@aol.com. I will take all and any bids no matter how ridiculous the offer until New Year's Day, as to not upset the children by the departure of their father so near Christmas.

I will consider all trade-ins if they are under 55, in good health, and not in need of dentures or Viagra.


UPDATE -- Four hours after posting this blog post. Please note that this is an addendum to the post above. If that isn't obvious, oh well.

Ok, so the bids aren't rushing in. This is very sad. I had already picked out a beach chair for Tahiti and was mentally preparing my speech to the children where I would tell them that their father was moving on to greener (or should I say whiter) pastures. I had it all planned out and then the worst possible thing happened.

No one bid.

So, in all fairness to my husband, I feel I must list his better qualities. This lack of bidding is certainly going to ruin his self-esteem because as we all know, everyone wants to be wanted, even him.

So, here are his most redeeming qualities:

1. He doesn't belch too loudly.
2. He only farts in the bedroom.
3. He doesn't belch unless he's at the dinner table.
4. He doesn't believe in wasting time cleaning garages or garbage cans.
5. He loves rats.
6. His dear mother is an add-on and I, for one, will vouch for her lovely disposition.
7. His balding hair is not quite half gone. You can't see his scalp yet---a good sign.
8. We call him chubby. He's not fat.
9. He doesn't believe in wasting money on food when you can go out to eat.
10. His foot odor is relieved by daily baths.
11. He only snores after 9 p.m. and before you fall asleep.
12. His coffee breath could stop a train, but Altoids are his constant companion.
13. Give him a sausage, a couple of eggs, some ice cream, and Sports Illustrated.
Who needs sex?
14. He drives a Ford Exploder, a four-wheeled wonder of balance and charm. And you,
dear reader, can enjoy that sun roof!
15. He prefers Mexico vacation to work.
16. I'll throw in the resort timeshare.
17. He's very mellow and very unbothered by the looming and upcoming crisis about the settlement of the family estate.
18. He only complains about traffic when you're stuck in the car with him.
19. If you're not feeling particularly beautiful in the morning, just hide his glasses. He can't
see a thing without them.
20. If you apply constant pressure, you might get something out of him.
21. Clairol is his best friend.


Well, if that doesn't make you salivate, I give up. This guy is just one big hunk of burning love and I need to get rid of him. Email me. Again, that email address is AFeistyWriter@aol.com